


trust in the timing of my tiny existence

by gingergenower



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, M/M, is angsty making out a thing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 10:33:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12910089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingergenower/pseuds/gingergenower
Summary: It’s the first time Magnus ever leaves Alec alone in his apartment.





	trust in the timing of my tiny existence

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7NzNXTABMs) gorgeous song

It’s the first time Magnus ever leaves Alec alone in his apartment.

Alec hadn’t heard the knock at the door at all; spine curving to press himself deeper into the line of Magnus’ body, fingers fumbling with his belt, the frenetic singlemindedness overwhelms. He’d only paused at Magnus’ hand on his shoulder, gold eyes flicking to his in apology.

‘I need to answer that, Alexander,’ he’d murmured, and he huffed a laugh at Alec’s confusion, tilting his head in the direction of the door where the knuckles rapped again.

Just how much he _wants_ is more than he’s ever felt before, and Alec sheepishly pulled back, helping Magnus straighten up too. He wasn’t even sure when he’d pushed Magnus up against the wall. ‘Sorry.’

‘Mm, I’m not,’ Magnus had said with a tiny, satisfied smile, smoothing Alec’s shirt while Alec ran a thumb under Magnus’ eye and catching a small smudge in his makeup.  
They’d parted, but not before Magnus kissed him again. 

The High Warlock of Brooklyn was needed, and he left telling Alec he’d be back when he could. He left Alec because neither of them thought too much of it, but Alec turns to Magnus’ empty apartment and he realises it’s the first time.

They’ve been lovers for weeks. They wake wrapped in each other’s arms, Alec knows biting Magnus’ thrumming pulse makes him whimper, Magnus knows tickling Alec’s ribs has more potential for one of them suffering a concussion than it has for making Alec do as he’s told early in the morning. 

He stares at the living room, hands curling into fists to stop the shaking, ignoring his own unsteady heart. Alec trusts him as implicitly as Magnus adores him, but for both of them to be so thoughtless about this terrifies- and he has no idea why.

Mostly for something to do, he strides through to the kitchen and makes himself coffee. He uses the instant because he can’t be bothered fighting with Magnus’ machine or the filter.

First relationships are supposed to be too much. They’re supposed to feel like they’re too much to bear, they’re supposed to break under the strain of it, they’re supposed to be the kind of love you look fondly back on. This doesn’t feel like that. 

He’s comfortable; he’s found someone he can entirely vulnerable with, and sometimes it aches how much he hadn’t known he’d needed this, but that’s all.

Why is he scared?

Stirring in a sugar, he tries not to think on it, but it’s cold in his chest and he tosses the spoon at the sink, leaning forwards against the counter. He makes himself breathe deep and slow. He’s given up parts of himself he didn’t know existed, but it never felt like Alec was risking anything. This feels like a risk. 

The thought that he should go back to the Institute flits into his head, but he dismisses it as quickly because he’s not about to become the kind of person who runs.

Instead, he picks up the coffee, too hot to drink, and browses Magnus’ bookshelves to pick a title at random. He forces himself to sit on the couch, flip open the book, and try to read it, but mostly he reads the same page over and over, occasionally glancing out at the view over the balcony.

***

Only an hour or so later, the front door opens and Magnus breezes in. Alec lowers the book, meeting Magnus’ easy smile with careful watching.

‘Alexander,’ he says, hanging his jacket up. ‘How are you?’

‘Fine. Everything alright?’

‘A misplaced spell needed reversing, nothing too difficult,’ he says with an imperious gesture of his hand. ‘You weren’t bored, were you?’

‘No.’

The uneasy feeling in Alec’s chest doesn’t dissipate with Magnus’ arrival, so he drops the book on the coffee table and reaches a hand out. Magnus smiles and takes it, following his lead until he straddles Alec’s lap and meets his lips in a leisurely, undemanding kiss.

Magnus sighs, relaxing into the hands running up the ridges of his ribs, and Alec finally understands why he was afraid. He wasn’t afraid for himself.

In letting Alec stay, Magnus left himself exposed. He gave Alec room to hurt him in any number of ways but trusted he wouldn’t. It’s not the empty apartment that scares him, it’s what it means- Alec has power now he doesn’t want.

It’s not a risk to get hurt, but being able to hurt Magnus is.

The kiss changes, and Alec knows Magnus will ask, but he can’t bring himself to care. He pulls him closer, breathless and ignoring the tears welling in his eyes.

Don’t be afraid, he wants to say. I will do everything I can to keep you safe, I promise, I don’t want to hurt you, no one’s ever trusted me like this and I don’t know what I’m doing but I _will_ try. It’s all I can do.

Answering Alec’s desperation with surety, Magnus holds Alec’s face with both hands and kisses him like there’s nowhere else in the world he could be. His tenderness is painful.

Magnus doesn’t seem to want to stop, or even pause, not trying to pull back so Alec doesn’t stop to wonder. Knowing the grip he has on Magnus’ hips is too tight, he makes himself let go but he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, planting them on the couch, still trying to find some kind of absolution he won’t get.

Please know, I will _try_ -

‘Shh,’ Magnus breathes against his lips, thumbs running up Alec’s cheeks. ‘Alexander.’

He doesn’t know why Magnus speaks until Alec realises he’s actually crying, shuddering with it, and he gasps for breath, trembling all over. Magnus rests his forehead against Alec’s, hands steady on his face.

He’s not sure how he’s supposed to explain this. ‘S-sorry.’

‘Don’t apologize.’

Magnus has lived too long. He knows he’ll outlive Alec, he knows Alec is destined to hurt him, and he’s here anyway.

‘Talk to me.’

‘Thinking. Too much.’

Shifting back, Magnus searches Alec’s face with concern in his eyes. ‘About what?’

‘I…’ He might not be worth it. This might not be worth it. He _wants_ to be worth it. ‘You’re risking a lot. Being with me.’

‘No more than you’re risking being with me.’ Magnus still doesn’t quite understand, but Alec doesn’t want him to, glancing away. 

_He’s here anyway_. That’s enough.

It only takes Magnus a couple of seconds to decide it isn’t enough for him, tilting Alec’s chin up and holding his gaze. ‘Alexander… you make me feel safe.’

Swallowing, Alec tries to nod and look away, but he’s crying again. Magnus wraps his arms around him, letting Alec bury his face in the crook of his neck, and he breathes in, again and again and again.

When Alec comes back to himself, he pulls back but not entirely out of Magnus’ arms. 

Magnus wipes the last of the tears away with his sleeve. ‘What brought that on?’

‘You left me alone for more than five minutes,’ Alec says, half a joke, and Magnus half smiles.

‘Perhaps I should simply never leave you again.’

Alec pauses, pretending to think. ‘That might work.’

Gauging Alec’s mood, Magnus seems to decide Alec’s teasing is genuinely comfortable, and ducks down to kiss his cheek. ‘We could certainly try it.’ 

He blushes, but Alec rolls his eyes anyway. ‘Unless we’re interrupted again.’

‘Unlikely.’ 

Magnus curls his fingers at the door, eyes fixed on Alec’s lips. Alec stares back, very aware the edges of Magnus’ eyes are gold, and he’s not sure if Magnus knows the glamour’s already slipping but they haven’t even moved yet and he only _wants_.

He moves to kiss him, but Magnus rocks forward and up on his knees, hovering over Alec.

‘I was on the way to forgetting my own name,’ Magnus says, fingers running through Alec’s hair, a little whimsical. ‘I enjoyed the idea of being fucked against the wall.’

Narrowing his eyes, Alec glances past Magnus, then shakes his head. ‘Too far away,’ he mutters, grabbing under Magnus’ thighs and flipping him on his back on the couch.

Laughing, wrapping his legs around Alec’s waist and pulling him closer, Magnus helps Alec unbutton his shirt. ‘Darling, you have no patience.’

‘Next time,’ Alec says, tracing his lips down Magnus’ jawline and rolling his hips down, smirking when Magnus’ breathing hitches. 

‘Promises, promises.’

**Author's Note:**

> is Angsty Making Out a thing? if not, it is now  
> also I am terrible at writing smut so don’t request it and inflict that on yourself, you deserve better


End file.
